The Grimm Adventures of Teru Mikami
by jjwitdaheydiddydiddy
Summary: Teru is just minding his own business (not really) when an unexpected visitor comes a-calling. First part of my Crack Pairing Cross-Over Challenge.


A first installment of my Ultimate Crack-Pairing Cross-Over Challenge! It's real easy-put a bunch of characters into a hat, pick out two, laugh your ass off, write a story. Sometimes... it won't be a romantic pairing. That's fine. Like, if a kid gets stuck with an adult. Not my forte, personally. Anywho...

I totally own Death Note. Seriously. Instead of doing something awesome, I'm on here writing fanfiction crossed-over with someone else's work. Actually, I lied! It's me, Tsugumi Ohba, _and_ Tite Kubo working together. Seriously.

* * *

"Ryuk… who is _that_?" Although Ryuk didn't seem capable of making human expressions, he looked particularly… expressionless. "You mean the kid?" Dark eyes turned to the small pink fluffball over the God of Death's shoulder. He raised an eyebrow, silently proclaiming that he would not dignify that question with an answer. "Dunno. She just showed up. Told me I looked like a 'Kenny,' or something, and sat on my shoulder. It's kinda entertaining, so…" "Right. Umm… how is it that she can see you… _and_ touch you?" "Beats me."

Pretty brown eyes sparkled at him through feathers (he guessed). "Hey-hey! Mr. Guy-Who-Looks-Like-Kenny! Who's that? He doesn't look like a Soul Reaper… but he kinda looks like four-eyes from the Human World! Hi, other four-eyes!" Mikami's eye twitched. "'Four-eyes'?" "Yeah! Ha-ha!" Ryuk swore he could hear the lawyer's teeth grinding. "Hey! Mr. Not-Kenny! I wanna play a game!" "Uhh… what game?" "It's called… keep away!" And Yachiru leapt forward, snatching the glasses from Teru's face. "Ah! Dammit!" "Come get me! Ahaha!" "Graaahh! Get back here, brat!" "Na-aaah! Ya hafta catch me!"

Mikami chased the little girl all over his apartment. Half an hour later, he cornered her in his kitchen and forcibly took back his glasses. Yachiru pouted. "Come here, kid!" "No! Mr. Not-Kenny! Ah!" Teru grabbed her around the middle while she howled. "Nooo! Lemme gooo! Kenny! Kenny!" Just before Mikami made it out of his kitchen, she bit down. Hard. "Graaaah!" But he didn't let go, even as blood dribbled onto the tile floor. He kept on, returning to his office and Ryuk, ignoring the pain even as she ground down. He plopped her body down on his chair, deftly removing the girl's teeth from his flesh. "Stay."

With great calm, Mikami spun around to the desk. Pen in hand, he glanced back at the girl. He tried to rationalize it with himself. 'She has no lifespan… meaning she's a Death Note user. A _child_. Kira wouldn't approve of that, now, would he? No, most certainly not!' Beneath the name of a child molester, he inscribed "Yachiru Zaraki." And waited. And waited. Ryuk chuckled. "What's with the notebook, Mr. Grumpypants?" He jumped a mile, Ryuk was sure of it, as he, in turn, howled with laughter.

Mikami's eyes were wide. "You–y–y–you're supposed to be _dead_!" She blinked at him. "I _am_ dead. Sort of." "Wh–wh–what _are_ you?!" She kicked her legs. "A Soul Reaper, silly!" "'Soul Reaper'?" "Yeah!" "Is that why I can't see your lifespan?" "Huh? What's that?" "Ryuk, where did this kid come from?" "Beats me." "The Soul Society! Me an' Kenny went to fight some Hollows, an' he put me out of the way so I could watch, an' I saw a pretty light an' when I woke up, I was here. Then I saw Mr. Looks-Like-Kenny an' I thought he might know where Kenny went, so I asked him, an' he laughed an' I got up on his back an' then we came here!" "I didn't understand any of what you just said. And who is 'Kenny,' anyway?" "Kenpachi Zaraki, Captain of Squad Eleven, and the strongest Soul Reaper in the world!" "Zaraki, so… he's like your dad or your brother?" "Noo, Kenny is my Kenny!" "You can't kill her with the Death Note." "Because I didn't know that by now. Why, exactly?" "She ain't human. See?" _–The _human_ whose name is written in this note shall die–_ "Then what do we do with her?" "I'ono."

Yachiru sat on the desk, playing with the Notebook. "This thing's funny." Mikami slumped into the chair, rubbing his forehead. "What's this say?" "Death." "What's _this_ say?" "Note." "What's that say?" "The." "An' this?" "Human." "An' this?" "Whose." "An' that?" "Name" "An' that?" "Dear God SHUT UP! I need to think!" "…Grumpypants sure is a meanie." "Yeah." 'Just calm down, Teru, just caaaalm down…'

* * *

"No." "Pleeease?" "No." "Pwweeeeease?" "Absolutely not." "Whyyyyy?" "It's just… _wrong_." "How come? 'Cause you're grumpy all the time?" "No, I—_how_ does that make sense?" "_Because_!" The pink-haired ball of energy settled into the bed, curling the blankets around her body. The lawyer groaned and ran his hands through his hair. 'I hate children.' "Fine. Fine! Fine. Great. My last criminal was a pedophile, and now I'm climbing into bed with a little girl. If Kira could see me now. How old are you, kid?" "Three hundred and five." "Outstanding." "G'night, Grumpy!"

He sighed, but climbed into the bed nonetheless. The sound of the bedside lamp clicking off was the loudest it's ever been, he realized, as he tucked himself in as far away from Yachiru as possible. Which proved to be in vain, because as soon as he stopped moving, she shuffled over to curl up against his back. He groaned, but stopped himself from saying anything, because a sleeping Yachiru is a _quiet_ Yachiru. And right now, he was really counting his blessings. From the other side of the room, he could hear Ryuk laughing at him.

* * *

"Well… you see, something has come up, and I just can't—" CRASH! "My antique jade Buddha!" "…_T_, this is of the utmost importance. If you can't fulfill your duties as a Kira…" "Put that down you little monster! Go back to _Hell_, where you came from!" "Are you even _listening_?!" "Yes, God, sorry—I just have my hands full. The uh… woman down the hall asked me to babysit, and—That's CRYSTAL! That cost more than your _life_!" "I… see. I suppose I could ask the Fifth Kira to do it, but it would be better if—" CLANG! CRASH! "—you were the one to take care of it."

Light thought, for a second, he heard the sound of somebody being strangled. "Hi, Mr. God! Mr. Grumpypants is tied up right now! Bye!" "What the—? Hello? _T_?!" As he ended the call, Light realized that the strangling noise in the background was the sound of Ryuk laughing harder than he ever had in all the years that he'd known him.

* * *

"That–you–YOU! Ka–kah… KAAHHH!" Yachiru watched in awe as Mikami's brain broke in half. Ryuk munched on an apple. He handed the girl a lollipop. "Here, kid. Got this for ya." "Thanks!" They happily watched Teru foam at the mouth until he passed out from blind rage. "Let's go do something fun!" "Sure. Wanna go mess with this other guy I know?"

Apple core. 'That damn monster never eats the whole thing… Where am I?' Teru slowly sat up, taking in the mess that was his living room. He took in the silence. The missing presence of that horrid demon child. The laughter bubbled up on its own. But after only three minutes of cackling, horror claimed his mirth, stopping it in his throat. He spun around wildly, looking for his cell phone. "Aha! I hope God isn't too upset with me…"

Several rings passed. 'He must be in a place where he can't talk to me—' "Hello?!" "Ah—Sir?" CRASH! "T! I—No! Put that down!" "This?" –Plink– "Oops. Ha-ha!" He knew that voice… "Oh my—God! God?" SMASH! "Wait! Give Misa back her–uh… journal!" "Heeeey! Mr. Other-Four-Eyes has a… 'Death' book, too! Is it a club? I wanna join, too!" "Eh… T, this isn't a good—Misa, Do It." "I'm trying, but she has It!" "God? Is… Ryuk there?" "I have to go. NO! Get away from—" Mikami stared at his phone. Then, he shrugged, and got to cleaning his apartment. He wondered if he would have time to buy locks for his cabinets, or if it was pointless. Little brat could probably pick locks.

* * *

To Mikami's chagrin, but not his surprise, Ryuk returned with Yachiru later that night. Kira never did call him back. He didn't even ask them _why_ they'd gone to terrorize his idol and the spiritual leader of millions. All he did was what he did every night—write names in the Death Note, take a shower, and go to bed.

* * *

"You. Stay here." Large eyes sparkled back at him. "You. Don't encourage her." Larger, dead fish-eyes stared back at him. The permanent grin was never reassuring. "I have some… important business to attend to." "'Kay! Bye, Four-Eyes!" He twitched.

* * *

When he returned to his apartment, Mikami was shocked to see nothing broken. 'Maybe she _can't_ pick locks…' Until he strode into the kitchen. "SURPRISE!" "Happy birthday!" "It–'s not my… wh…" "We made you a cake!"

Frosting. Batter. _All over_. In the middle of his island sat two flour-covered Shinigami. Between them was a pool of raw batter sitting under a frosting-coated cake pan. Covered in candy and apple slices. "I can't use the oven—Kenny says I should stay away from hot things." "Aren't you gonna eat your cake?"

He turned, then, from the rage-inducing scene, retreating to his office.

* * *

"Hello, God." "T… you eliminated three times as many criminals last night than usual. I'm just curious…" "_You_ met her." "I'm sorry?" "You met _her_." "You mean the… devil child that can't be killed with the Notebook?" "She… lives here now. Ryuk brought her here one day. She… sleeps in my bed." "Who ya talkin' to? Light bulb?" "Give that back, you cretin!" "Hiya, Light Bulb! Hey—!" "Sorry, I—" "_I_ was talking to him!" CRUNCH! "Ah! Devil creature!" "Wooo! Ahaha!" "Ryuk, you—Let go!" "Mmmh!" "…T?" "I–I'm at my wits' end! I… _please_, _please_, God… I'm no longer able to be your apostle. Write my name down! I beg of you! End my suffering! Sweet, kind, merciful God! Please! PLEASE!"

The man broke down into sobs. Yachiru released his hand and stared at him. "Mr.… Other-Four-Eyes is… sad? Why are you so sad? Did… did I do something bad?" Mikami could do nothing but stare as tears welled up in the girl's eyes. He sniffled. She sniffled. It was a real touching moment. "Yachiru… is sorry… she made Mr. Teru so sad…" Little arms wrapped around his neck. He felt cheap. Cruel. Like a real low-life. He broucht his hemorrhaging hand up to stroke bubblegum-pink hair.

"…T? T? Are you still there?" The man started. "Ah… God? I…" "Is… everything alright? Do you… still want me to write your name down?" He stared down at the little non-human child, and sighed. "No, I… I was just being dramatic. Everything's fine." "Oh. Well, good. Then… keep up the good work." "Yes, ah… thank you, God."

* * *

"Ikkaku… I'm beginning to worry about our captain." Madarame took a swig of sake. "He's so close to Kusajishi… He hasn't picked a fight in _weeks_." Another draught. "I've never seen him… _mope_, before." Followed by another. "And I don't even understand how she could just _disappear_ like that." A gulp. "She never would have run away." A sigh. "And surely she couldn't have been eaten by a Hollow." A grunt. The sound of an empty gourd tapping on the ground. "I don't know, Yumi… But Abarai said Squad 12 was looking into it. 's not like she's some unseated rookie." Frowns, in Yumichika's opinion, were not beautiful—but that didn't stop one from stretching across his face. "I hope they find her soon."

* * *

Kenpachi Zaraki was a man of few emotions. Of few words. Of few plea bargains. But as he held a tiny Zanpakū-to in his hands, he felt a pit in his chest. He reluctantly identified this feeling as loneliness—something he hadn't experienced since his ronin days in Zaraki. Since a pink-haired toddler had clung merrily to his blood-soaked form.

He clenched the wheel-adorned scabbard, desperately seeking Yachiru's spiritual pressure. Her zanpakū-to felt lifeless, but he knew he was horrible at sensing, and he'd never felt it anyway. How could she be gone? The tinkling of bells pulled him out of his focus. He grunted. He needed to try harder… Everyone else could do it, and he knew from others that he had immense reiatsu himself, so… he should be able to. 'I need to find her… I need to try harder… I need…' Strong fingers gripped his eyepatch. '…to be stronger…'

Waves of energy exploded, pushing outward, knocking out half of Squad 11 in the barracks (the rest were out drinking). He focused harder than he ever had, pulling in his reiatsu just a little bit. He breathed forcefully through his nose. The small sword in his hands tingled just a touch, and he went with it, letting his aura expand as far as it would go, then pushing it even farther. And there, finally, he felt her—just faintly, on the edge of his senses. He pushed on, sending his energy toward her. It felt like it was pulling him; like a warm blanket drawing him in. He opened his eyes, but was blinded by the whiteness—by light. And then, darkness.

* * *

The fluffy pink head popped out from under a blanket. Teru sighed. 'How long is she going to stay here? Forever?' He sat on the bed, running a hand through her hair. Ryuk was nowhere to be seen. "Mr. Four-eyes?" "Yes?" "Do you think I'll ever see Kenny again?" He frowned. "I miss him." 'He obviously means a lot to her…' "I know you'll see him again." The lawyer tried to smile, but it felt wrong on his face. It seemed, however, that she had been fooled, when she beamed at him and tucked into a pillow. "Goodnight, Mr. Four-Eyes!" "…Goodnight, Yachiru."

He slid into the bed, as always, with his back to the girl—still uncomfortable with the situation. But he had gotten used to Ryuk watching him while he slept, and he could get used to this. What he found niggling him was the interaction he'd just had. Teru Mikami found lying to be entirely abhorrent, but when that child had looked at him like that… Is this what it was like to be a parent? Lying to your children to keep them happy? To hold back the weight of the world for just a while longer—until they're old enough to understand? 'Perhaps I'm looking too far into this. Go to sleep, Teru.'

* * *

Fuzzy, gray shapes. The familiar pattern of light disappeared through leaves. "Where?" Kenpachi sat up and looked around. His head was pounding. "What is this? The Human World? How the hell did I get here without a Senkaimon?"

* * *

Yachiru Kusajishi woke with a start. For the first time since she'd been staying with Mikami, it wasn't because of an alarm clock. In fact, the lawyer was sleeping soundly, eight inches from her head. (Ryuk, incidentally, was watching Teru sleep eight inches from the _other_ side of his head.) She sat up, hoping the strange sensation in her stomach would go away. There was an odd pull that was somewhat familiar. But she didn't know why.

She was careful to be quiet as she slid out of the bed. Her feet carried her to a large window in the apartment's living space. Dawn's break had lain an orange cascade over the city—a veneer painted starkly over glass and concrete. The view was almost serene. Yachiru got that sensation again, as she traced over the horizon. If she could only figure out what it meant. This feeling, for some reason, reminded her of—"Ken-chan!"

Much to his horror, the small girl bowled Ryuk right over on her mad dash to Teru's bedroom. "Four-Eyes! Four-Eyes! I found Kenny!" She shook him violently. "Wake up! Wake UP!" A bleary-eyed and confused man rolled out of bed. "Is it an earthquake?" "NO!" The girl screamed as se flung her body at him. "I found Kenny!" "Wha?" She laughed. "Boy, you're silly!" "Wait, wait… so you found this 'Kenny'?" "Yup!" "And… where is he?" She hummed to herself. "…Uhm… That way!" He stared at her. "Are you sure?" "Yep! One-hundred percent!" The lawyer grunted, but at the same time, he was thrilled at the prospect of pawning the girl off on this 'Kenny', and getting back to his own life. "Alright. Good. Then just… let me get dressed, and we'll go. I can call in, I guess…" He was amazed that he'd become such a hypocrite in the short time since Yachiru had shown up.

* * *

Mikami held his head in his hands. Sitting on a park bench. Five and a half miles from his apartment. His only company: a large, fish-crow-zombie-monster, and a frighteningly-powerful little girl who can't die. It was 2:47 in the afternoon. "Ryuk? Isn't there anything you can do?" "Like what?" "Like… I don't know—something with the… I don't know!" He groaned. "Don't worry, Grumpy! We'll find Kenny soon!" "Calm down, Teru… if you hit a child, you'll have to write your own name in the Death Note." "Which way you wanna go next?" "Umm… that way! I'm sure of it!"

Instead of laughing uncontrollably before slitting his wrists, Mikami jumped up. He turned to Ryuk who, somehow, looked surprised. "Ryuk. I've figured out a way you can help!" "…Yeah?" Teru gestured wildly, ignoring the stares. "You can fly! Just… fly around—look for him. When you find him, come get us. You always know where I am." "Oh. That could work." "Okay. Go." "Uhh… What's he look like again?" Mikami grunted. "He's reeeal big! And he's got spiky hair and an eyepatch!" 'So he'll be at the Treasure Island ride at Disney Tokyo…' "Alright? Should stick out like a sore thumb. Go!"

* * *

Zaraki scratched his head. He'd been wandering around for hours in the centre of Tokyo. Since his arrival, he'd figured out a few things. One: Nobody could see or hear him, which he expected from humans. Two: This world was not the Human World he was accustomed to (he was pretty sure the Soul Society would be up-in-arms over this 'Kira' business). Three: He had absolutely no idea how to find Yachiru, nor did he even know if she was in this world. He looked up, adding another thing to his list. Four: This world had one of the strangest-looking Hollows he'd ever seen. Also, it was headed right for him. He grinned—it'd been a while since he'd killed anything.

* * *

Ryuk puttered along, scanning the ground for anyone out of the ordinary. He was bored. 'Boy, an apple sure would hit the spot…' He blinked, and suddenly there was a reeeally big guy right under him. With spiked hair and an eyepatch. "Hey…" The large man grinned at him… sort-of.

"You don't look that strong. But it's been a while since I've killed a Hollow." "A what?" Zaraki slashed him then. Ryuk didn't move as the man grunted and moved to sheath his sword. When Zaraki looked up again, he was a little shocked that the other man was still in one piece—and generally unfazed. He slashed him again. His blade ripped through Ryuk, he was sure of it! But when he pulled back, there was no damage to be seen. "What the hell?" He slashed again and again, over and over. And still nothing. "Umm… You can't kill me. So you might as well stop." Kenpachi did stop, and stared at him. "What do you mean? What kind of Hollow _are_ you?" "…I'm a Shinigami." "…From where? You from the Twelfth?" Blank, lifeless stares weirded Zaraki out a little. "You're 'Kenny', right? "…Yeah…" "Follow me."

* * *

Yachiru munched happily on a piece of daifuku while Mikami wept on another park bench. "Don't be sad, Mr. Four-Eyes! We'll find Kenny soon!" He laughed. She gasped. "Look! It's Kenny! KENNY!" The girl jumped up on his shoulders, shouting and waving. His eyes went wide.

When she'd said he was big, she wasn't kidding. To take in his monstrous size, his rough-cut appearance, the large sword by his side… it was all too much. Yachiru squealed, then launched herself at the behemoth. "Kenny! Kenny I missed you!" The man looked… relieved… as he wrapped an arm around the girl. 'Kenpachi Zaraki.' The girl beamed at him with sparkling eyes. "Can we go home now, Kenny?" "Yeah… I don't know how I got here, but… I have an idea." "Oh! Wait—"

She jumped down, scooting over to Mikami. "Mr. Four-Eyes—thanks for finding Kenny." It'd been a long time, but he managed to give her a genuine smile. The Captain sized-up the scrawny man before approaching him. "Hey—human." "Yes?" "Thanks for takin' care of Yachiru for me." "Oh… yes. Of course." "I know she can be a handful." He laughed nervously. "Ah-hah… well, it was no trouble…" The girl nimbly climbe back atop the gargantuan man and waved furiously. "Bye-bye! Come see me at the Soul Society!" Zaraki gripped his eyepatch again, focusing on the Seireitei. "Hold on tight!" And in a whirlwind and a flash of light, they were gone. The force knocked the wind (and posture) out of Teru, and even pushed Ryuk back several yards. "That was…" "Interesting."

* * *

"…tain." "…raki." "Meh?" "Captain Zaraki!" Kenpachi stirred, then sat abruptly. "What?" "Captain Zaraki—where did you come from?" "An' how'd ya find Lieutenant Kusajishi?" "Ah…" Heat throbbed between his eyes. Strangely, his eyepatch had returned to his face, as before. Peeking open his eyes revealed a good chunk of Squad 11 staring at him with concern, though a none of them would do him the indignity of asking him if he was hurt—"Kenny?"—even his adoptive daughter. He smirked. "Hey, kid. Good to be back."

He stood, wobbling a bit, and patted the girl on the head. He really needed a long, relaxing bath. "Captain," He turned to Yumichika then. "…what exactly happened?" He scratched his chest. "She was in the Human World. I went there and brought her back. Now I'm going to take a bath. Nobody bother me." "Hey Baldy! You missed me, right?"

* * *

"Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete… Another good night, Ryuk—Kira will surely be pleased by this." Teru closed the book, but as he swung out of his seat, he knocked it off the desk. He looked at the page the book had opened to. '更木 やちる (Zaraki Yachiru)' "Oh… hm." And he smiled.

* * *

Okay, before anyone calls me on it, I know I wrote Yachiru Zaraki. I know that her name is Kusajishi. This was intentional. I figure, that since they made up their own names, and they think of each other as family, that she unconsciously took on his surname, and it became hers. It's supposed to be touching.

This could have been longer, chronicling through the wacky, fun, tacky adventures of the Mikami and Yachiru show, but... I wanted to keep it relatively short. I hope you all liked this!


End file.
